INCARCERATION OF THE HEART
INCARCERATION OF THE HEART
After twenty-five years of prison time
for a crime I committed against myself,
I was pardoned as an innocent man.
Although exonerated,
I couldn’t escape the guilt and shame
that gaslit me into a self-conviction
of a crime I committed against myself
As the rusted, steely prison door opened,
A terrifying blast of sunshine
attacked my eyes,
causing me to squint,
forcing me to submit to freedom’s burning light.
Although unsure and afraid,
my long-buried heart -
once terrorized by thoughts of freedom -
commands me to open my eyes
so that I can discern the difference
between hornet nests
and the promising gifts of the present
Despite my caged-animal panic,
I willed my eyes to open
to survey the vista of freedom.
that, until that moment,
only manifested through a
small opening of a window
vertically lined
with rusted, steely bars.
The incomprehensible compassion
from these welcoming smiley faces,
all brimming with compassion,
could not sooth my reflex to recoil
return in captivity’s dark
but falsely safe jungle.
Frightened of getting lost
in a jungle of unfamiliar territory,
I yeared for my former prison home,
and now vacat prison cell
Where my only joy
was playing poker for cigarettes.
with men guilty of actual crimes
that rivaled my gaslit ones.
But on this bittersweet day,
to return to a false sanctuary
where my heart and soul mistook
bars and concrete-fortified walls
for protection against
my most terrifying inner demons,
and from the most dangerous perpetrator of all -
me.
Today, I commit to a path of self-love.
I will not let the brightness of reality
cause me to squint or close my eyes
while denying myself my birthright
of emotional freedom and self-love.
If I ever am carried back t
o the trauma of yesteryear,
I commit to reaching for sunglasses
that will shield me from the grabbing tentacles
of shame, loneliness, and despair.
Hence, I will no longer recoil from the pain of new truths
Or the confusion of past nightmares
and new dreams of freedom.
Today, I am safe and content in a life
requiring newly constructed walls of self-love -
shielding me from self-decided guilty verdicts
of crimes committed against me.
I will never return to where I never deserved to be.
Ross Rosenberg
March 2024