PTSD

The motivation to write this poem was to figure out why my conscious

motivations to be with a new intimate partner seemed to be contradicted

and sabotaged by deeper automatic reflexes of fear and anxiety. Through

writing it, I was able to get a close look at my symptoms of posttraumatic

stress disorder, which is often consciously inaccessible.

Time moves forward predictably

and with precision.
Tomorrow can't be stopped.
But in the blink of an eye

today becomes yesterday

Memories once encased in leaden vaults --
Formerly sunk

to the bottom of a murky abyss.
Springing forward into action
Releasing the electric charge

of the long-forgotten moment.

I move forward --

but the images pull me back.

You are here --

but haunted by the presence of the past. 

I hear you whisper --

but startled at the scream.

I hear your promises --

but terrorized by lies.

I hold your warm body --

but feel a cold heart.  

I am safe in your embrace --

but threatened by razor-sharp weapons 

 
Stop!  Identify yourself! 
Are you the present? 

If not, could you be the future? 

No!  You are the past!
Hidden in the hazy glow

of the here and now.

As a child, I wasn't afraid of ghosts.
But I am now. 

Ross Rosenberg
2/8/03